Late Nights

Tossing. Turning. Sleeping. Yearning. This is what happens when I can't fall asleep.

Every so often, I'll look out of my bedroom window. Some nights, the sky's a wispy purple. Others nights, it's as dark as the clichéd "midnight sky." Most nights, the stars steal the spotlight, sparkling and shimmering for half of the world to see. Tonight's a different kind of night though; the moon's as round as can be, radiating a cheesy mellow type of yellow. It shines brighter than all of the stars combined.

As I switch in and out of various positions, I can't help but think of how differently my life could, would, and sometimes should, be.

The one place I've always considered my true home.

What if I didn't decide to come to the University of Michigan? What if I followed my dreams and moved to California, instead of letting external factors influence me? What if I never stopped pursuing my artistic passions once I reached high school? What if I took a year off and travelled the world before beginning my undergraduate education? What if my dad was never diagnosed with lung cancer?

I wonder about why things happen the way they do and about the "what ifs" far more often than any young college student should.

What if I never met the people I now know? What if the moments I saw as the "wrong place, wrong time" were actually right? What if I didn't let the people of my past leave? What if I hadn't met you?

Obviously, my life would be a whole lot different. But I often question whether my alternative life would be better than this roller-coaster-ride-of-a-life I'm living now.

Sometimes, actually, a lot of the times, I wonder if I would be much happier. Sure, I've got the whole world ahead of me. But at the moment, there's simply too much for me to think about.

I'm still struggling to keep up with my coursework, as it seems to relentlessly pile up. I fell behind in the first place due to rush, which turned out to be the biggest waste of my time (I decided to drop midway through). My first exam is quickly approaching, and I'm several chapters behind when I should already be reviewing. This exam also happens to be one of the most crucial exams in determining my admittance to Ross.

My brother and I.

I'm constantly worrying about life back at home. It's as I left everything on pause, and I continue to ponder upon what could've happened without me. I worry about my father's condition, as he grows weaker and weaker, day by day. I worry about my mother's health, as she continues to single-handidly support our family of four at a business that is becoming too much for her to bear on her own. I worry for my brother, as I see him gradually losing sight of what's important. I worry about some of my closest friends, as I left when they were paralyzed and handicapped (getting T-boned by a truck didn't do them much justice).

It's the boundless possibilities of misfortunate events that's eating me alive.

I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of not getting into the business school. I'm afraid of letting my parents down. I'm afraid of being forgotten by my friends back home. I'm afraid of becoming everything I'm not. I'm just afraid.

All I know is everything happens for a reason. And I'm pretty sure we're all here to figure out why.

My life on a T-shirt.